A contact from the past.

Yesterday I was feeling randy, and as you know if you've read previous entries on my blog it's been a while....

Anyway a guy I first met on Recon (recon.com) a few years ago came online and said hello.

Well a little while later I was knocking on his door!

Not long after that my wrists were in restraint and I was heading towards my first session in quite a while.

First he tied my growing cock into a leather sleeve with pins on the inside and strapped it up and followed it by tying my balls, all the time snogging me.

Sitting me on the side he started torturing my nipples, he then got out a gas mask and put it on me. Using its seal to control my breathing, he alternated this with adding pegs to my chest and sides, even my ears at one point.

This continued for a while before he tied me up St Andrews Cross style and flogged me, that was a quite painful and I ended up with quite a red back. He broke the flogging into a load a short but intense bouts followed by short breaks never letting a rhythm build up, and followed it with some strikes on my arse with a paddle. I was getting the full effect and being out of practice found it all a bit difficult to take.

After this, he started to impale me on his cock and interspersed that with an large dildo, which I again found difficult to take being a little out of practice.

By now I was certainly getting high on my endorphins but was still finding the pain intense, and difficult to place aside as I have managed in the past.

Taking me down from hanging I was bent over and fucked more at the same time being slapped on my back and sides and more pegs attached which this time were the tiny ones which hurt like hot needles on some delicate parts.

Put onto my back I was again fucked and snogged with some cuddles thrown in until he came, I was by now so endorphined up as to find that a little difficult.

An interesting session which has this morning left me with a number of marks on my back and tender ear lobes

Some thoughts generated from internet contacts recently

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... and again in a few days!

Well It must have been the busiest few days for late nights I've had in years.

Normally as I get up for work every day at 6 I'm home and sorting out things for turning in by 11, and there are few days I'm not even in bed by midnight on a weekday.

Last week however I was out meeting the guy previously mentioned and chatting so that I didn't walk indoors till midnight and the next day was out in pub with friends so didn't get in till 11 gone.

Thursday was the previously mentioned SMGays and Friday I visited some friends for dinner which meant I wasn't home till 12:30am Still I didn't have to get up on Good Friday or the Saturday at 6 so that was fine.

Saturday I got up at a reasonable time in order to do the usual before heading out for the day. First to coffee and drinks before some dinner and then onto Collared! (http://www.collaredevents.com)

Arriving in Central Station I met up with some of the usual suspects that I spend time with and had a couple of drinks before heading down to the cellar bar.

Chatting with mates in a bar is always fun but tonight we had a lot of demos to watch as there seemed to be a lot going on as well as avoiding stepping to the tails of the increasing number of pups or their bowls - which a couple of the guys did at one point.

One guy was tied to the cross and had a lot of weigh hung from both his balls and his nipples, then there was a whole load of wax poured over a couple of subs while they laid on a massage table. One of them had a very hairy chest so I don't envy his job picking the wax off.

The other guy who took loads of wax had previously had a bloody good hiding both on the butt with some serious red marks and what was obviously a bruise showing even before it stopped, and with a flogger on his back.

After the wax demo had ended and the sub stood up there was a lot of sweat left on the table from his back - well it was warm as well I guess but I think it was mostly the heat crated by the flogging.

During the evening I bumped into the guy I was standing next to on the Thursday at SMGays and he told me that after I'd left he went and did it, and ended up with a sore back!

Well as they say if you don't do something you'll end up regretting it and I've often known what they mean - just another time to add to the list - well there is always another time I s'pose...

Clubbing ...

Well first I'd like to apologise for a distinct lack of pics in my posts of late. But if you don't have much action, or what action you have isn't photographed then there isn't a lot to post. Sorry.

I hope however that people are finding my writing vaguely interesting as there are a few followers and hope that there with be a little more action and less navel gazing in the future.

Well this is just a quick update to prove I'm still here. Particularly as one of the blogs I've been following http://themasterandhisslave.blogspot.com/ has moved onto their own website due to concerns about Google / Blogspot. I believe that this blog should be ok cos I mainly write and stick up the odd pic but not videos - though I might if I had any of me being flogged or such ;-) If you do have some time themasterandhisslave blog is one I recommend and can now be found at http://www.themasterandhisslave.com/

Well to my update and as I said in the last post I met a guy off slaveboys and we had some drinks but he didn't want me to discuss further - I'm pleased to report that he was happy with how I handled that comment when I spoke to him on the phone so hopefully at some point we will meet again.

In the meantime as I also alluded to in that post I went to SMGays (http://www.smgays.org/) on the Thursday. Well this was a new experience and it was good as I'm quite a shy person to be able to meet some friends and acquaintances first at BarCode.(http://www.bar-code.co.uk/) It was a warm evening so we ended up sitting outside and having a drink before heading into the Hoist. (http://www.thehoist.co.uk/)

As previously reported I'm a bit of a clubbing virgin, really only having been to Collared. The Hoist is a place I've often seen from the outside as I used to work in the area, but have never been in. I was impressed with how it was set up and was soon getting a drink from the bar.

It was a CP and Flogging night so we were soon treated to some demonstrations and in fact the gang of us were a little too close to one of the areas and were asked to give a little space to swing the cat!.

The guy doing the majority of the demos was using a fairly light implement and was being very careful with it building carefully.

Then a couple of us, who had not been before, were offered a tour round by one of the more experienced attendees, and he took us round to see where things were. We saw a few interesting sights including some paddling but we were soon back to the bar area where I saw the most interesting demo of the evening.

A very cute slim sub was standing in the frame, being given similar treatment to that which the others had gotten, when a big guy came and stood in front of him. He held his head in a way which suggested he was his Top and was encouraging him to take the punishment, but in short order he was taking over from the guy that had been doing most of the demonstrating to deliver the rest himself; and deliver he did.

Taking a wide stranded flogger he stood back and let fly with all his power. (At least that's how it seemed by comparison with what had gone previously) the flogger came down with a heavy thud and "crump". Again and again the, "whop" sound was repeated and the slim guy took it very well. Watching it, I turned to a guy I was standing next to and we agreed that we were both jealous of the guy being flogged. It was a brilliant demo and in case either of the guys involved read this I will just say I wish I'd had the time to hang about a bit longer as I might well have been up there myself. The guys both deserved the spontaneous applause which greeted the end of the demo - but particularly the slim sub.

As I say I was very close to volunteering and indeed earlier in the evening was on the brink but other people with more get up and go (or perhaps just experience?) kept getting in the way. If there had been more of a lull between rounds of demo on the frame, or there had been a Top or Master there egging me on I might have been in - it was close at one point. But then it just got too late :-(

Still there was still Collared to go....

S and M relations.

Met a guy off Slaveboys the other night and had very pleasant evening sitting outside in some brilliant spring weather.

He was a reader of my blog and we ended up having quite a deep conversation about life and SandM.

He didn't want me to speak about him on the blog, so I won't, but he did get me thinking about my relation with SandM and that's what this post is about.

We were discussing the protocols of boundary setting, of how to use safewords and discuss or not what to do. It was a subject which came up again at Collared last night when someone was asking about a guy who was very tied up and gagged - how would they be able to stop something if they were distressed?

I understand the whole safeword issue, but I find it a difficult one. It's like I'm in charge if I have one, and that's neither what I want, nor is it my mindset. I always find it difficult, if I'm being beaten, to do anything but cope with that and try and be a good boi. Trying to steel myself to the pain, driving into a sub mindset doesn't sit with shouting stop, in any of it's artificial forms.

I have been known to plead "please Sir - it's hurting so" hoping he'll stop (whoever he is) taking pity on me cos that is the closest I can get sometimes. So it worries me when people say they don't want to take notice of people pleading, but do want a safe word - I s'pose I don't get wanting to ask people to stop something you are enjoying, (even if it's painful) if it hurts too much I'll ask for it to stop, if I want it to carry on I'm not going to ask for it to stop I'll just yelp.

But where does that leave me with people who want a safe word? Out on the limb a bit I guess, if they are not going to stop when asked, because they will only respect a safeword they've set. Continuing till what it I forgot it? I drop down in a faint, seriously hurt or dead?

Perhaps it's in my head as a sub, but who is the best judge of if we've gone to far? Now logically some would say me as the person feeling the pain, but pain is to a certain extent a perception and if I want to go further and take more, is a more important consideration that I'm safe, that I'm not damaged, than if I'm hurt in a fleeting way?

I cannot tell from the pain if it's serious damage or superficial - a sharp knife cutting deep in one spot would hurt less than a rose thorn dug in somewhere with more nerves and both less than a caning on a third even more sensitive area, yet the knife might kill, and would certainly cause serious bleeding and damage, the thorn is really no more than an irritant, requiring some care to keep the wound safe and avoid the blood as you would any bodily fluid, and the caning? Well that is a popular activity in the SandM world!

If you are in the care of the Dom you have to trust him and that is about knowing each other, and I suppose knowing how to give feedback, but a Dom cannot rely on the sub being able to judge what state his body is in, particularly if he is high on endorphins and/or blindfolded or as is often the case the damage is being inflicted on the rear side of his body. So though I believe the sub should feedback honestly to the Dom in whatever way is best in the circumstances it's for the dom to be able to accept the sub's honest feedback and treat the information accordingly.

Stop should always mean that to me, and please Sir is a plea and not part of some game - I do it real, I hurt, and I like to hurt in some ways, and it's real hurt, and I like it and if I want it to stop so much that I ask for it to stop, I really want it to stop! But if the Dom who I'm trusting wants me to go further, then I want him to push that little bit farther. If he can see it's safe to do so cos I'm not seriously damaged. I also expect he would stop when I might want to go on cos he is in a better place to see how my body looks. Am I asking to much? For telepathy? I don't think so.

So yes it's a hard job being a Dom, it responsible, it's demanding and I can't do it! And I admire a good one; a caring one who not only has the skill, but also, while feeling the desire to hurt, and savouring my reaction to his pain, also the ability to hold that desire in check and look after me.

An End... or a beginning?

So where have I got to with men of late?

You'll remember that the cute guy had disappeared - which is a real shame as I liked him a lot. I guess I said or did something he didn't like and I've not heard from him - nor seen him where we met. I hope that he's ok and isn't avoiding that place cos of me. I can take a push back, had too before and I'm not going to pester him or owt!

Anyway that was a shame, meanwhile the Master I had been seeing for the last year or so I met with and ended it as we were never meeting up because he was so busy, and I wanted the opportunity to meet up with other guys. Particularly to try getting closer with the East London Master I mentioned. But we parted as friends and may pick that up more in future, he and his Alpha are really nice guys and I'd hate to lose that connection.

Then there was the Master in East London. Well what to say? Firstly I have been a bit coy about him because he doesn't want stuff posted online - though I cleared posting some stuff with him to start with. The main reason I haven't been writing though has been that I've been up and down and confused about the whole situation. As well as very busy of late.

Firstly I like him, but he is a bit OTT at times and very dominate to the point of being edgy - at least for me. I thought that we had come to an understanding about where certain boundries were a while back, though I was prepared for those to move in time as any connection or relationship grew in depth with time and commitment. Always in the background however there was a push, push from him; wanting more before I'd come to terms with what he wanted already.

Well last week I went to see him and for the third time in succession he was late for the meeting (and I don't mean by a couple of minutes.) Now I know I'm one of those anal people about timekeeping - I usually arrive hours early for things, but I was particularly peeved as I'd left somewhere early to get there and maximise our evening.

So that was the start!

Things didn't get better, he was pushing on a few levels around protocols he wanted in place - what to call him, (we'd had that discussion every time we met and I'd stated a limit which he again pushed the each time we met), and his wanting me to say "yes Sir" in reply to every order, even when I was already complying. In addition to this he was asking about ownership again.

As an aside I've been thinking about this "yes Sir" requirement and I've come to a conclusion, at least it's a question about it. I do say yes Sir in response to a question or to acknowledge an order where it requires nothing else at the time. For example if he were to say don't forget to get here for 5:00pm, then obviously that's an order that you can't do anything about at the time accept it - "yes Sir". But if he says "stand up" then my mind concentrates on getting up not speaking.

I was feeling quite depressed when I left, in spite of some great sex, (being fucked in a sling is also fun) though as part of it he suddenly decided to "shave" my chest with clippers, (without previously discussing or even mentioning it previously).

The next day as I felt no different, and I was finding it difficult to think about anything else! So I wrote him an email. I won't state everything that was in it - but here are a couple of relevant extracts.

"...I said, when we first met, and in answer to a question from you, that I've never been owned, so therefore I have no idea if it's what I need. So being asked every time about ownership puts pressure on me which gets in the way of how I'm trying to relate to the situation. I feel that I'm being asked to run before I can walk, and part of my problem is that I do not know if maybe I even want to run (that is if I'm slave material)…..

…..Time and security is all that lowers those walls a bit, the ownership question and fear of making mistakes in protocols builds them up. In addition I'm not sure I'm physically up to your challenge. ..."

So there you have it, I expected either to get no reply, or to get a considered reply asking me to reconsider. I thought that the former was more likely, and so it has proved to be so far. Much to my relief... but also sadness.

I will not say it has been one sided, nor that coming to this decision had been easy. I have been thinking about the situation a lot and as I also said in my email to him, I'm sure I will regret it and wonder about what might have been; but I have sat and compiled a list of issues I had with the situation and on balance I think I did the right thing - much as he attracted.... as he attracts me.

So I move on, I've closed my Recon account down for the time being and stopped paying for Gaydar. How long I keep to this we'll have to see but I do feel back in control of myself - even if that leaves me lonely and more than a little sad.

Ah well summer is around the corner - ho hum!

Collared - March

On 26th March I had a very busy day planned - going to the March for the Alternative in Central London then onto a drink with some friends before heading up to Collared in the evening.

Well as Robbie said "The best-laid schemes o' mice an 'men Gang aft agley," and indeed they did.

My group were at the back of the march and by the time we got even to Trafalgar Square we were too late to see any speeches - trouble makers had started assaulting shops in Oxford Street and I was too late to get to my drink with mates.

So cutting my losses I headed off to Collared. Don't get me wrong the March was important and in parts was fun. But this isn't a political blog so I'm moving on.

Even cutting the mates out I still arrived late for pre-drinks and some of the normal crowd I mingle with were giving it a miss, but I still met with other friends and told them about my day (which had started at 6!! In order to get something dome before I left for the day)

Going down to the Basement Bar at Central Station it was noticeably quiet to start with (though it picked up later quite nicely - maybe there were more of us on the March?) but I enjoyed chatting with a couple of mates. I was showing one of them a few things to help keep his boyfriend in check - which was quite fun, and there was one punter who seemed out of it right at the start kept falling asleep in the corner! Which worried a few people!

We had the usual demos with some spanking, and one guy "shaving" pubes with a pair of clippers. But more interesting to me was dragging a couple of guys off into a dark corner where I ended up having a rare old time ...ahem ... snogging them!!

As usual at these events I had a few drinks and had a very pleasant evening - long may it continue... oh and thanks guys - you know who you are xx